伯克利 Berkeley 个人自述详解001

 

Writing your personal statement can be one of the most satisfying--or frustrating--writing experiences you'll ever have.

The personal statement is an important part of your application package. Depending on the topic you choose, the essay you write provides additional evidence of your intellectual and creative achievement. The essay is also the only opportunity for the readers of your application to get a feel for you as a person as well as for you as a student. The essay is also the place where you can put your academic record into the context of your opportunities and obstacles.

There is no one correct way to write a personal statement, but in general those who will read your essay are looking for two important things:

 

? HOW the essay provides evidence of your achievements that isn't reflected in other parts of your application

? HOW and WHY the events that you describe have shaped your attitude, focus, and, most of all, your intellectual vitality.

This information will help you think about and craft a personal statement by taking you step by step through a process of brainstorming, drafting and revising. At the end, we hope that you will produce a personal statement that you are proud of and that will provide admissions officers with an accurate portrait of who you are and why a college education is important to you.

Characteristics of a Good Personal Statement

But before you write a single word, make sure you know what is expected of a successful college essay.

A good essay...

-Is thoughtful and honest

A strong personal statement is reflective; that is, it demonstrates that you have thought about and gained a clear perspective on your experiences and what you want in your future. It does not simply tell a reader what you think he/she wants to know. Instead, it gives the reader a vivid and compelling picture of you--in essence, telling the reader what he or she should know about you. Remember that the focus of the essay is YOU--your achievements, your obstacles, your goals, your values.

-Strives for depth, not breadth

A good essay is not a list of your accomplishments. Remember when your mom told you that it's quality, not quantity, that counts? Well, the same adage applies for your college essay. A reader will be much more interested in how your experience demonstrates the theme of your essay, not the number of accomplishments you can list. What is NOT interesting: an essay that devotes one paragraph each to a variety of different topics. This type of approach denies you the ability to give depth to your essay.

-Follows the conventions of good writing

A good essay uses appropriate grammar and syntax, uses precise and vivid language, and does not contain any spelling errors.

-Conforms to guidelines

If the essay instructions tell you that the essay should be two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper, then the essay should be two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper. Less is not more, and more is not better, either.

-Answers the question!

A good essay is the result of a writer who has examined the essay question and written an essay that explicitly addresses that question. For example, if you are asked to describe your greatest accomplishment or any unusual circumstances or challenges you have faced, then your reader will expect you to use vivid language that will enable the reader to visualize your accomplishment and share your sense of success.

-Benefits from several drafts and feedback from others

Revision allows an essay to grow. Revising is not editing; revising is the act of "re-seeing" and of looking for those parts of the essay that would benefit from more explication, more (or less) vivid language, or even deleting parts that simply don't work to move your primary theme forward. Similarly, feedback from others can help you identify those parts of the essay that work well--and those that don't.

-Contains a catchy introduction that will keep the reader interested

It is important to recognize that essay readers will read hundreds, maybe even thousands, of essays during the application review period. That means that an essay with a catchy introduction, one that gets right to the point and uses precise language and vivid imagery, is going to stand our more than an essay that is predictable and conventional in its opener.

-Transforms blemishes into positives

It's okay to have flaws! The essay is your chance to show how you have transformed blemishes. For example, if your essay theme is "overcoming obstacles" and you earned a poor grade in a class, but went to a community college at night to repeat the course, it is important for your reader to know this because it is an example of your perseverance. The reader does not want to hear complaints about poor grades or circumstances, but rather wants to know how you have overcome them.

-Demonstrates your knowledge of the major/college

No one expects you to know everything about the college or university to which you are applying. However, readers will want to know that you have done your homework. For example, if you write an essay that states your interest in becoming an engineer, but the college does not have an engineering program, then you haven't done your homework.

-Exudes confidence--you will be successful no matter what

A good essay doesn't beg or brag. Colleges and universities want to admit the best students, and the best students are those who can demonstrate their ability to pursue their goals regardless of where they are admitted. Think of this as quiet confidence--the kind that reveals itself through your description of lifelong interests, sustained commitment, and/or perseverance in the face of adversity.

Keep these characteristics of a good essay in mind as you compose. And be sure to avoid the typical college essayblunders.

COLLEGE ESSAY BLUNDERS!

Just as you should know what to do, you should also know what NOT to do! Here are some of the biggest blunders students make in their essays:

The essay repeats information contained elsewhere in the application

Sometimes students, to be on the safe side, simply repeat in the essay the same information that is in the application itself. This strategy results in the reader gaining no more insight into what drives you than he/she discerned from the rest of the application packet. Remember, your reader already knows from your application, for example, that you are in the California Scholarship Federation and a member of the Ethnic Studies Club. What the reader doesn't know is why you chose to participate in these activities and how your involvement in these activities is evidence of your particular interests and talents--your essay's theme. If one of these experiences is a good example of your essay's theme, then by all means include it. If you're just including it because you think that you'll impress the reader with everything you've ever done, think again.

Here's an example of this blunder:

In my junior year I was a cheerleader for my school. I worked really hard at it, and found it to be fun and challenging. I was also part of my school's Kids in the Kitchen program, which helped to make food available to poor people in my community. Cheerleading and volunteer work kept me very busy. I spent approximately twenty hours each week cheering and another five hours volunteering. I learned a lot from this experience and can manage my time effectively and maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity.

 

The writer complains about his/her circumstances rather than explains them.

Remember that admissions officers want to know how resilient you are. While it is certainly okay to write about obstacles you've faced, what is important to your reader is how you overcame the obstacle, not what a terrible obstacle it was.

Here's an example of this blunder:

Because my mother is a single parent, she has had to make a lot of sacrifices to keep me and my brother in a private school. It means that we have to go without a lot of things, which is sometimes embarrassing. But even though everyone in my school knows that we are poor, no one is willing to give me a break. This is especially true of my English teacher, Sister Magdalena. Because she didn't like me, and she is not comfortable with poor people, she gave me a C in English when I really should have gotten a B.

 

The writer discusses money or a college's ranking as a motivating factor for applying to a particular major/college.

Yes, we all want to attend college to earn more money. And we all want to attend the most prestigious colleges. But college faculty who read your essay want to know that you are motivated by a love of learning. So, even though money or a school's ranking may be important to you, keep this information out of your essay.

Here's an example of this blunder:

I want to study engineering because a recent US News and World Report article said that engineering is the fastest-growing industry in the nation and the best place to study engineering is UCLA. With a degree in engineering, I will be able to buy a house for my mom.

 

The essay relies on gimmicks rather than substance.

A "gimmicky" essay is one in which the reader tries to get the reader's attention through unconventional means. This does not mean that your essay has to follow one set format; what it means is that gimmicks can't replace substance.

Here's an example of this blunder:

College, oh college/How much I want thee/for college, oh college/will strengthen me/and with a degree in hand/I will change this land/and make a better life for you and me. (This is supposed to be a poem. )

 

The writer makes claims in the essay that are not backed up by the application.

The essay is a component of the application and is read within the context of the application. A description of yourself as the top student in the school should be supported by your grades. Similarly, claims made about your extracurricular experiences should be backed up by the application. For example, a student who claims that her lifelong ambition is to save the environment would want this claim supported by examples of involvement in environment-related hobbies, clubs and classes.

The essay contains the wrong school name

Oops! In these days of computerized cutting and pasting, this is an easy blunder to make. Proofread carefully!

The essay contains mechanical errors or errors of usage, clichés, or meaningless prose

Although your reader is not grading your essay or scrutinizing your grammar, a poorly written essay signals a reader that you are unfamiliar with conventions of good writing or simply did not put enough time into composing your essay. Either way, there will be other applications whose essays are very polished, so don't disadvantage yourself.

Here are some examples of this blunder:

My father always told me that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. (A cliché)

A feeling of indescribable disbelief overcame me. (Wordy prose)

 

The essay is too long or too short

Show that you know how to follow directions. An essay that is too short may indicate carelessness; one that is too long may signal arrogance. Remember that your readers have many other applications to read, so be sure that the limited time available to peruse yours will be spent reading an essay that is the appropriate length.

 

 

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