法学院personal statement案例分析

这里有两篇law school的personal statements分析,greatessay.net会推出更多基于实际案例的personal statement,SoP,CV等案例分析,以方便各位DIY留学申请者更好的完善自己的申请文档.

 

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法学院的Personal Statement样本

摘要—这位申请者有3.7，172的LSAT（法学院入学考试）成绩,得到几所顶尖的法学院的邀请，包括NYU（纽约大学）（正是他／她选的），哥伦比亚大学，芝加哥大学等。

 

Eighteen months ago, I was sitting at my computer, wedged between a dripping coffee maker to my left and the company’s CFO five feet to my right. Every keystroke shook the flimsy fold-out card table that served as my desk, on loan to the company from another employee’s garage. We were packed in the largest of three rooms in a 2,500 square foot space baking in the heat generated by ten co-workers in close quarters, fifteen running computers, and an abnormally warm summer. On the glass doorway was etched the ghostly lettering of the former company occupying the space, serving as a grim reminder of the ever-present possibility of failure.

 

Two weeks earlier, I had been in my company’s small conference room sitting at the table surrounded by familiar faces from my last employer. Silicon Valley is incestuous: teams migrate from one company to the next, so I was not surprised to find myself recruited to join my old boss’s newest project. They were selling another David versus Goliath story, featuring a small rag-tag team of engineers defeating a seemingly insurmountable industry leader. Despite my skepticism, I still had a free-running imagination fed with nostalgic thoughts of Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard working on their first audio oscillator in a Palo Alto garage. But at my last start-up company, we had challenged a corporation for a piece of the industry pie, and nine years and $330 million dollars later, the company was a hollow shell doing mostly engineering contractor work. I was lucky enough to join that company late in the game and sell my stock options early, but many others spent a significant portion of their career at a company that came close to glory but ultimately fell short: Goliath 1, David 0.

 

 

This time they were telling me it was going to be different; they were always saying this time would be different. I asked them how a small, poorly funded start-up company could go against a giant corporation, which was also the undisputed king of our market, with nearly $400 million in quarterly revenue. After signing a non-disclosure agreement, I was let in on the big secret, the meaning of the “C” in the company name: we were going to use recent innovations in carbon nano-tubes to revolutionize the industry. These nano-scopic cylindrical fibers that allow unparalleled circuit density would be David’s tiny, secret sling.

 

With the financial incentive of stock options and the confidence gained by working with a crack technical team, everyone was working at full capacity. There were scribbled drawings with names and dates taped up on a wall. These were the jotted ideas from our team of electrical engineers and physicists with M.S. and Ph.D. degrees from schools like Harvard, Stanford, and M.I.T. One posting was my recent workings of a carbon nano-tube electro-mechanical configuration bit, an idea that a co-worker and I had developed that I would write up and the company would push through the patent process. By packing a dozen well-caffeinated physics and electronics geniuses into a pathetic three-room rental that resembled a low-budget movie studio, we had created the primordial soup of intellectual invention. As a result of our collective ideas, our seasoned team, our innovative ideas, and nano-technology being the latest buzzword in investment, we were soon funded by venture capitalists for $10 million. It was immensely exciting to be the tenth employee in a growing start-up company that would have to upgrade offices and dramatically expand staff in an up-scaling war against the industry titan.

 

The increased design responsibility and unbounded architectural creativity that comes with working for a start-up is unparalleled. However, the necessity of side-stepping patented intellectual property belonging to our competitor, which covered all aspects of our design, from manufacturing to testing, placed a heavy burden on the design team. This danger was extremely real, as a similar start-up had collapsed following an infringement lawsuit related to unauthorized reproduction of a bit stream. As the designer of three different components, I examined our competition’s sixteen patents related to the memory aspect of the device. It was immensely satisfying to study, absorb, and then circumvent patent claims as I designed a conceptually similar but un-patented version of three memory blocks.

 

I am interested in serving as general counsel for a corporation focused on advanced semiconductor technology. My diverse work experience and master’s degree provide a perfect foundation to tackle the issues faced by a general counsel. I am drawn to the challenges I will find at the intersection of intellectual property, product liability, and corporate law. At this juncture in my life, I seek more challenge and personal growth in a field that calls on my written skills, attention to detail, and love of technology. My background in nano-technology will bring a unique perspective to the NYU classroom and will make me extremely marketable upon graduation. By pursuing a law degree, I intend to enter a profession that aligns with the interests and aptitudes I have discovered and developed through real work experience. It is through deep personal reflection that I have decided that law is the natural extension of my training, personality, and talents.

 

 

 

 

法学院personal statement 评论样本：

 

优点：

 

这是一份优秀的personal statement。因为该personal statement 显示了申请人在组织方面的影响，还有他在世界经济方面的作用。该陈述以讲一个有意义的故事的方式将读者深深吸引。这个故事有背景、内容、冲突和结局。陈述 还对神秘和闻名世界的硅谷中新办的企业做了一些了解。这给那些已经大学毕业，但从未在律师事务所工作的人树立了好榜样。文章重点集中在职业目标，并以职业 经历为支撑。主人公是实干家而非梦想者。作者显示了他深厚的技能知识和过硬的逻辑推理能力。所有这些，特别是他找到了解决高端技术难题的新方法而没有违反 专利权时，这都超过了直线型思考方法。该陈述给招生委员会一种想接收申请人的欲望，因为其他公司试图聘用该申请人并且投资资本家愿意出高价帮助他。陈述促 使招生委员会成员站在申请人的立场，因为他不拘泥于学校的安全保障并取得了成功。

 

通过申请人具有说服力的陈述可以看出他很强的书面表达能力。该陈述应用了广告、感伤因素、道德本质、虚拟故事。当他谈到投巨资给他的知识以及应用他的分析 能力使得公司得以平稳发展，而此时在同一水域中的其他公司纷纷沉没时，他用到了广告。当他描述在拥挤的办公室里“primordial soup of intellectual invention”时，他稍微提及了感伤因素。以此类推，他把自己新办的企业和行业领导比作侏儒与巨人。同时，用感伤因素和虚拟故事达到了很好的效果。 这个故事人人皆知，仅仅是借用该名义，作者用了另一个有力的故事而没有用宝贵的空间。这个虚构的故事成为贯穿文章的主题。在读者思想和候选人及首领或是领 导者之间建立联系是一种夸张的手段，这以他富有同情心的道德本质而闻名。由此一来，读者也会形成一个观点，这样，申请人就是一个权威、称职、有思想、诚实 的领导人。

 

缺点：

 

文章太过注重故事细节而非此人是法学院合适人选的原因。然而，幸运的是，真实的事件使许多人产生了共鸣，所以故事本身还是有力的。文章以自述为结构，

以申请人的职业经历为主题。第一段主要是描述部分，这和此人是为何是法学院的合适候选人没有关系。因此，第一段缺少主题或是引导文章的方向的句子。然而理想的情况是，读者能在第一段找到整个文章的缩影。

 

personal statement的主要部分充满了具体的细节和行为动词，这些内容棒极了，它将办公室的具体形象栩栩如生地刻画在审阅者的脑海中。迄今为止，倒数第二段 的内容对招生委员会而言是最具价值的，但背景介绍对于此段落具有很强的说服力起到了非常重要的作用。申请者本来还可以通过背景介绍更多地展示其优秀的品质 和个性。例如，他可以说明他是如何利用其口头交际能力与其设计团队和主管进行交流，这样招生委员会将会感觉到他非常重视口头交际能力的掌握和运用，而这正 是他们想要了解的。

最后一段中申请人将其主要想法汇总，并介绍他的自我评价和目标。他应该说明其硕士学位的专业方向。这个申请人只是将其所申请的学校名字当成了一个符号，此 为申请人的通病。其实任何一个法学院都可以取代那个符号。申请人并没有表达出他已经对纽约大学的法律项目做过调查和了解。申请书中没有提及纽约大学法学院 在专利权和知识产权法方面的学术实力是如何的强大；而申请人也没有说明呆在纽约市将会使得他与东海岸的技术专家们保持密切的接触，从而有助于其事业的发 展。纽约大学法学院的招生老师将会很乐意听到申请人与法学院是一个完美的组合的说法。申请人需要让纽约大学招生委员会确信纽约大学对于申请人来说是唯一的 最佳选择，他可以通过说明学院特殊的学术优势将会帮助实现其目标来做到这一点。

 

法学院personal statement范例-#2

注–此申请人根据其收到的反馈情况对其陈述做了彻底的修改。这个陈述反应出申请人具有一定的潜力，但也有更多需要完善的地方。

 

From Ordinary to Honors

 

Winston Churchill once said, “The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.” Churchill’s statement is extremely evident in my path toward law school. Appearing to be a typical straight out of undergraduate law school applicant, I bring much more than that to the table. My academic achievements speak for themselves as I graduated with honors in only three years. However my path toward college was not as successful. I attended a competitive private high school and was among the bottom tier of students in my class. Going into my undergraduate studies, I was excited to get to a new place in my life, but did not realize my potential for academic success.

My success in high school was marginal at best. I was barely a B student. My first days of high school were rough, leaving my home area to attend a private school where I did not know a single other person. The discomfort I felt translated into a not so great first two years and I only ended up a B student because of a fairly successful senior year.

 

I again decided to leave my comfort zone as I attended the University of Southern California (USC), six hundred and fifty miles from home. One of my very first courses was a seemingly meaningless course, titled “University 101: The Student in University.” The course was essentially a welcome to school course, an easy A, and some fair warnings and instructions for surviving the college experience. To most people including myself, this class appeared to be a waste of time. I could not have been more wrong.

 

I quickly began to get very involved in the class, and it became a major factor in my comfort and success at USC. My instructor, Dr. Smith, was a huge part of this. Being the Director of Housing as well as the Director of Student Affairs, Dr. Smith helped me become comfortable on campus and get involved with various activities. He pushed everyone in the class to succeed, and I soon realized it was not about University 101, it was about the rest of our first semester, and our continued success as we went onto our degree.

 

I realized how poorly I began high school. With that in mind and my new found comfort at USC, I thrived early on. I knew I could succeed, and I had an instructor that cared as a great resource to my success. While other students were struggling to adjust to college life, I was able to relax and easily make it through my first group of classes. I felt as if I was better prepared for college life because of my tough course through high school, and my comfortable introduction to college life.

 

The College lifestyle seemed to work together with my learning style. Many students get to college, have an abundance of time on their hands and end up wasting all of it. For me it was a relief to have some free time, and I used the time to excel in my class work and still have a great social experience. The more independence I obtained, the better I was able to deal with it.

 

My early success has allowed me to push myself as of late in order to graduate in three years. My comfort at school allowed me to take up to 21 credit hours per semester, get involved on campus with activities and part-time jobs, and continue to succeed in my coursework.

 

I entered my undergraduate studies as someone who struggled in high school, coming into school with only 4 of my 127 required credits completed. Presently, I look forward to graduating with a perfect grade point average in only three years and attending law school to pursue a career as an attorney. I look forward to the challenges ahead, and am finally realizing my full potential for success.

 

 

 

 

对第二个Personal Statement的评述

 

优点

 

这位申请者采用引言来展开他的personal statement。Winston Churchill 是一个警句大师，他写下了很多让人难忘的引言。出于这个原因，大家都喜欢引用他的话语。这个申请者讲述了他的个人经历――一个长者是怎样影响并改变了他的 一生。题目和引言都是关于那些在岁月的消磨中所发生的重大改变的，题目是“From Ordinary to Honors,”，表明 personal statement是以时间为线索。引言更是表明申请者会仔细反思他犯下的过错和取得的成就，以便在以后做一个有价值的抉择。而作者的立场是“I get more responsible with age.”

 

缺点

 

这份personal statement 最大的遗憾就是缺少详细例证阐述。这样，读者就失去了继续了解申请者的兴趣。申请者并没有解释他为什么尊敬丘吉尔，也没有说明选择这个引言的特别之处。除 此之外，他也没有详细描述他所申请地这个法学院的特点，更没有说明为何他适合这个学校。读者只是从这个statement中了解他曾得到了Smith博士 的帮助，对于这个有经验的长者，他并没有更多的描述。另外，没有必要对学习成绩和毕业年限作陈述，因为这些在成绩证明中看到的。

 

The essay 应建立一个很有价值的切入口，能够具体地阐述为什么这位申请者是一个优秀的法律院校的候选人，但是申请者没有好好把握这个机会。例如，关于导师Smith 博士的叙述缺少一个让人信服的故事。我们知道教授是学院及学生事务科的主任，他告诉同学们“The Student in the University,”，他鼓励学生们参加各种活动。从这方面看，他不只是表面看起来的一个严肃的学者――尽管他的确在学术研究方面非常严肃。然而，假 如申请者论述了Smith教授是如何教他们与危险分子抗战，而他又是如何组织专题研讨会讨论了关于动物权利的法律文献，为此，他就向委员会展示了他的学习 热情，领导才能，分析能力和组织能力。在这种情况下，申请者还可以请Smith教授写一封推荐信来证实事情的真实性以及申请者对于自身的品质和性格特点描 述的真实性。

 

这个personal statement可以引用一个非常有力地引言为这篇essay确立一个主题。但是这篇essay 不能拆解引言的修饰力度，申请者要花时间理清楚这个关于他生命和生活目标的引言，让这个引言贯穿于整个essay当中。而申请者所引用的Winston Churchill的这句名言， “The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.”确实是不合适的。申请者应该考虑一下Churchill说这句话时的时代背景，因为这句名言是关于历史的价值，而并非个人生活的价值。 无论怎样，一个狡猾的聪明的申请者是足可以把这个引言的意义融合到生活里的，可以谈一下同时期世界上发生的对他产生重大影响和意义的事件。 例如，如果申请者的祖父母跟第二次世界大战有关联，由此教导他一些生活或法律方面的经验，对他产生了巨大的影响。这个引言就发挥了它独特的魔力。这样的修 辞策略可以让引言充分施展其修辞魔力，优雅地把引言融贯到个人经历上，影响别人或者被人影响。

 

最后，这篇essay倾注了太多精力在申请者个人履历的消极方面。例如，太过于关注他高中时期的不太光彩的经历，而这些对于申请法律院校没有直接关系。法 律院校，尤其是那些重点法律院校都希望他们的申请者一直是高水平，高能力者。在personal statetment的最后草案中显示你一直在不断地进步不是一个好的做法，并不提倡。然而，如果把它用在陈述申请者克服曾经遇到的重大困难，则会达到很 棒的效果，比如遇到学习障碍，重大事故或移民到国外，而不仅仅是转学。

 

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