失败的personal statement是怎样的?

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一篇失败的personal statement 是怎么样的？GreatEssay机构提供2个客户提交免费预审的案例给大家参考,不要犯和他们一样的错误!

“I have always dreamed of coming to LSE since I was young. It has been a dream of mine to study at this institution, which is well renowned for its social science courses.

I am currently studying History, English and Business and Management at Higher level and Italian, Maths and Chemistry at Standard level in the International Baccalaureate, and feel that these subjects are providing me with a solid background for university study.

I want to study History because I want to be a world class Historian, and feel that this degree will help me. I am especially interested in Ancient History, particularly the history concerning the Roman Empire. I am fascinated by the way in which the empire was run, and the events that led to its downfall.

I was the captain of the school football team and excelled in most other sports. I have also worked part-time in a sports store to earn money for university.

It is my dream to become an alumni of the School, and I am sure that as I am the top student of my class, you will offer me a place.”

上面的简短例子是一篇失败的personal statement，原因就是文中没有提到任何他们成为LSE的学生的潜力。正如在“What makes a good personal statement”中写的那样，招生老师在寻找一篇包含申请者的学术以及个人成就, 有条理的陈述。

这位申请者也提到了对古代历史的兴趣，以及将来学习这方面的意愿。可是LSE没有古代历史方面的学位，这说明申请者在决定申请之前没有研究过我们提供哪些课程。

范例中也提到了当学校足球队队长的经历。这句话本身并没提供申请者任何额外有用信息给招生老师。
一个更有效的陈述应该是这样的：
“I was the captain of the school football team, and this has taught me the importance of working together as a team, and allowed me to prioritise my time between my studies and football practice. I feel that this has provided me with the experience to successfully balance my academic and social life, and I plan to continue this balance whilst at university.”

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